Movie Sequels III - Attack of the Fools

Let's talk about;

1) A few of the worst, most offensive sequels/spinoffs ever made, and;
2) A few of the most stupid sequel names ever.

1) Just off the top of my head;

a) Ewoks: The Caravan of Courage and Ewoks: Battle for Endor.
Cashing in big time on the success of the Star Wars trilogy, George Lucas agreed to go ahead with these two TV movies, spin-offs from the Return of the Jedi , focusing on the most unpopular element of the film, the fucking Ewoks. There is nothing that really connects these movies to the Star Wars universe, but the really hard-core fans remain convinced that they belong somewhere in the canon. Fools! George Lucas feeds off you from his lair like a pshycic pudgy vampire.

Plus, CARAVAN OF COURAGE!!!!

b) Highlander 2: The Quickening
It should have been called "The Sickening", since its utter vileness is beyond comprehension. Totally ignoring the first movie, the only thing that kept the director (whose name I curse) from having the Immortals fighting with dandilions, and having a good cuddle with one another was an animal tranquilizer. The movie has been re-edited a couple of times to try and make it look a little better, but to no avail. You can reshape a piece of poo as many times as you like, it will always remain a piece of poo. Just differently shaped.

c) Supergirl (or Supergirl: Das Mädchen von den Sternen, as it was called in Germany. In itself, one of the funniest titles of all time)

Quite possibly the worst movie ever made (I'll probably tie it with Krull). One friend of mine unbelievably owns the directors cut of this travesty, running additionally 30 mintues longer. AS IF WE NEEDED IT! I borrowed it from him, and me and another friend decided to watch it and try and laugh at it.

It's not possible. It isn't so bad it becomes good. It isn't even bad. All such words do not apply. It simply is. And what it is, is pure writhing-in-agony torture, so foul, so vile, so unbelievably crappy that it bends the very fabric of the time-space continuum. 2 hours turn into eons. Every minute is an age. Every 10-15 hours you look up, and you find that a couple of seconds have passed of the movie. You start to despair. You feel the breath being quashed from your chest, and your will to live being sapped from your bones. Death stops being a future event, and starts becoming a very real possibility in the near future. You start to wonder if it's better to hang yourself or swallow your own tongue. You wonder if repeatedly punching your liver will cause it to disrupt and deliver sweet oblivion. You also wander what's for dinner, strangely enough.

Faye Dunaway gives perhaps the worst performance seen this side of Ed Wood, and the great Peter O'Toole just stands there, wondering how he got there and what would be the best way of murdering his agent. Helen Slater as Super-Mädchen is so bland, so horrible, so SWEET, that pouring a vat of honey all over yourself near a hive of african killer bees would be vastly preferable to using your eyeballs on her in this "film". No words can express my vast, empire-spanning HATRED of this titular pomposity, but that didn't stop me from trying.


2) And now for some really bad fucking sequel names.

a) Rambo III
"But that's just a regular sequel name isn't it?" somebody might ask. Ahh, but that means they haven't studied the names of the first two movies.

First Blood the first movie was called.

Rambo: First Blood Part II the second movie was called.

Don't you see the quandary the producers put themselves in? Logically, the third movie should have been called;

RAMBO II: FIRST BLOOD PART III

Which would have been the funniest sequel title of all time.


b) Howling II - Stirba: Werewolf Bitch
What the hell do I need to say about this title? That it tells me that the producers were too busy fornicating with farm animals to actually bother looking at the title before releasing this rancid turd. That in no capacity whatsoever, should the word "Stirba" EVER grace any title. That I hate the fact how few good werewolf movies are made. Fuck, now I'm all depressed.

c) Beastmaster II - Through the Portal of Time
Just the cheesiest title of all time. Just pure fucking foul smelling, gouda imitating, stomach churning, nose wrinkling and bowel loosening cheese. Making the poor Beastmaster go to LA is one of the worst ideas in movie history. Who the hell wants to see a barbarian strolling around LA, looking for a zoo so he can actually master some beasts? Horrible title. Horrible movie.

d) Neverending Story II
Just think about it.